You know that feeling of regret the moment after you made a big purchase? “Wait a minute, maybe this wasn’t the right house to buy or job offer to accept after all?” Well, it turns out that after you’ve been trying to get pregnant for so long, a sudden success can send you on a spiral of fear that maybe you made the wrong choice. I’ve had more time than I planned for to get used to the comfortable lifestyle of a couple with no children, and during this journey I couldn’t help but wonder sometimes if this may be the only lifestyle I’ll ever know. Now that I saw two lines on the pregnancy test, the question marks just kept coming uninvited. Do I really want to replace my current lifestyle with a routine of changing diapers and breastfeeding? Might this ruin my relationship, my career, my body? And what if I’m going to be a bad parent? These are probably thoughts that many people have when they realize the dramatic change that’s about to occur in their lives, but I think that infertility might exacerbate them, because the pre-pregnancy period is so much more prolonged.
Now, don’t get me wrong – this is not me complaining about my pregnancy. I’m very excited that this is finally happening, and I know I made the right choice. However, I think it’s important to also acknowledge the uglier side of pregnancy after infertility and the negative emotions it breeds. I believe that being prepared for these unexpected feelings
can help us infertiles feel that there’s nothing wrong with us if our happiness is accompanied by a hell lot of worrying. After all, it takes time to get over the trauma that is infertility. And here’s the good news: with every day that passes, I feel that I’m indeed getting stronger and less traumatized. Yes, these feelings are still there, but they’re less present than they were just a few weeks ago and I’m finding more and more room for anticipation, joy and hope
. I know that I’ll never be able to take this pregnancy for granted or feel completely worry-free, but I have every intention to enjoy and treasure it all the same. And hey, after all, this is perhaps the best parenthood prep I could ask for – because what is parenthood if not constant worrying about the well-being of your child? I’d better start getting used to it now!